Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
