can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
