im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
