atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
