Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
