I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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