I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
