WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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