Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
