Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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