everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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