Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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