I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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