I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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