Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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