It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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