i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it glows. i had to have it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
