we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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