I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
