my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
