When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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