So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
