I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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