forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
