shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
