I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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