Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
