so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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