I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
