I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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