Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
