Im at strip club and am horny
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
