Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
