So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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