I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
