I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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