Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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