I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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