and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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