Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Randomize
