oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
