I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
