you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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