just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
