i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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