Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
