I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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