I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
