I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
