just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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