So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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