Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
