In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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