she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
cat food counts as protein by the way
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
